Minister

 I feel like journaling about this. I don't know why I'm not a more private person and why I feel like posting it here, but whatever. This last weekend we had a miscarriage. Well, we made my body miscarry because the baby no longer had a heartbeat. To arrange babysitting, I let a couple of my closest friends know that very first day--throughout which I mostly cried (and through some incredible miracle of the heavens, Sterling was there for). Thank goodness for the ease of texting.

My friend, who has a heart of gold and is everyone's best cheerleader, and the world's best ministering sister (and who is not of my LDS faith and has no idea what that means to me)---immediately left her kids with a friend and came over to my house. Came upstairs, knocked on my bedroom door (where I had to quickly throw clothes on, because apparently I like to mourn naked), and crushed me in a hug. We both sobbed and she said "I know you probably don't want me here, but I just had to come and hug you. And tell you that I love you." She sat down on the bed and we hugged and sobbed some more, and then she said "Excuse my language, but fuuuuuuuuuuck." and we both sobbed harder.

Since then we have received, from her and other great friends in our beautiful village here, meals and treats and flowers and babysitting and all of the wonderful things that have buoyed us up. Honestly, I have never been so well taken care of and felt such an outpouring of love. We have had other really hard times when I cried and prayed to God that someone would notice us and help...and even though we made it through, it has never been like this. And I just can't be grateful enough. 

But that one swear word? Man, talk about bearing another's burden and mourning with those who mourn. Nothing else felt so sincere and so right. It encompassed all of my feelings and made me feel seen. She immediately left me to myself so she wouldn't be a bother, and later gave her secret knock at my door (she has a secret knock with Ruthie, because she doesn't mind Ruthie coming over to help her with the kids whenever, but other neighbors are not so welcome HAHA), and handed me a bag of ice cream and chocolate bars. Still feeling pregnant, the dairy has not been good to me, so I didn't really want to eat any of it. But she knew me, she knew thats exactly what I would theoretically want, and she brought over a whole pile. Which is incredibly thoughtful because five years ago she brought me wine. In all honesty, she probably wanted to bring me wine-I can hear her saying that if there was ever a time for a Mormon to drink alcohol, it would be now (she didn't, but I can hear it). But she brought me ice cream and chocolate because she knew me. So I could cry it all out all over again. 

Resolutions 2023

Seek and Enjoy!

I used to pick a word every year to focus on. That fell by the wayside over the last few years, and this year  as I was running I was thinking that it might be good to have a focus again. My biggest goal for the year for myself is to go to bed early. I have spent NINE YEARS (well, almost thirteen, really) with this hope that I can go to bed WITH my husband. Except I can't. He stays up late every single night either still at work, at home working on notes, or at home/work working on modules for his program. He literally never goes to bed with me. But I really don't like going to bed by myself. So I put it off. Some nights I'm better than others. I usually am in bed between 1030-11pm, but its often later. I know, and have known, for a long time, that it's just too late. I can't have the dreamy morning filled with scripture study and making breakfast and sending my kids off with a devotional thought if I go to bed that late. Not only that, by 2pm (when my kids get home from school) I'm tired and grumpy. I obviously need more sleep. But I don't do it. This year, I'm hoping I put myself to bed before/at 10pm MUCH more regularly. I've been doing pretty well. Funnily enough, the only nights I've been up later is because Sterling has happened to BE home and hanging out with me a couple of times haha. And early bedtime means a better morning. Hopefully more scripture study in my life. More scriptures thrown at my children. And a less ornery afternoon mom. 

Also this is my year to study the scriptures. I have spent the past (probably ten years...ugh I hate writing that) sliding through my scripture study. Sometimes doing better than others, but often considering a quick three to five minute glance over a part of Come, Follow Me sufficient. And maybe it was sufficient for a space of time in my life. But it has gone on much too long and I have the capacity to increase and I am not, and I am not challenging myself spiritually and I want to, I should be studying. My definition of studying is time at a table, being able to write out notes, and spend 10+ minutes. There's a whole slew of things I would love to see happen as a result of this study. But this is the goal. 

The overarching idea for the year is to Seek and Enjoy! I have lived for six years in the same house and neighborhood. I have never lived anywhere that long in my entire life. I feel grounded and happy and fulfilled here. I have a support system the likes of which I have never experienced in my life prior to living here. I love it. It is beautiful. Moving and leaving that is going to be so. dang. hard. I don't even like to think about it. But there is SO MUCH I am excited for. Mountains. Seasons. A house. A yard. My kids insist a dog. A husband who works regular hours and maybe will be home for dinner (say what?!?!?!?!?!). No traffic. Cheaper kids activities. More family activities. A bigger youth program for Ruthie and the following kids (maybe one that doesn't cancel every other week because there's only going to be one girl there?). So I want to "seek" in my scriptures and grow and learn and become a committed disciple this year, but I also want to "seek" out the good experiences. When we move, I want to remind myself that I have to be the one to get outside my comfort zone to make friends. Invite people over. Try new things and activities. I have to seek out friendships and seek out experiences that will help grow a community and support system in Vernal. 

I also want to ENJOY! I want to enjoy Florida for these last six months like my life depends upon it. (Financially, of course, this is incredibly tricky---luckily the beach is free!!!!) There is so much I do not like about Florida (thank you, grain mites, that love humidity and I found eating our popcorn kernels in a five gallon bucket on Sunday, I DO NOT LIKE YOU) but there is so much I can't even imagine not having. No beach? No sunshine? Shorts and sandals all day every day? I want to enjoy it so so much and just remind myself that we'll be packing and cleaning this house up soon enough, it should just be a stopping point to dump off wet towels and get dry ones!! And then I want it to continue to Vernal--ENJOY the new surroundings, enjoy the seasons and the new people we meet and the new experiences our kids will be having. I want my focus to be on enjoying it and hopefully that will make it less crazy and stressful haha. 

So. Seek and Enjoy. And early bedtime. Check back in another ten years, we'll see if I've figured it out by then?