Journaling 9/12/23

 The Come Follow Me lesson for this week says to think about ways your trials can be a blessing. That there is a great purpose and blessing in tribulation. We, by keeping our covenants, are being polished. Medical school is a very interesting thing because after thirteen years of working towards a goal, suddenly, seemingly overnight, you are flipped. Instead of being the lowest of the low on the totem pole and having to work endless hours or face reprimands, instead of making nothing and barely scraping by and dreaming that someday it will change-suddenly it does. I mean, sort of. We still have LOADS of debt to pay back and I'm crossing my fingers we can afford a house someday, haha. But Sterling doesn't answer to anyone else--his time is his own and people turn to ask him questions, instead of demanding of his time and demanding he do menial tasks all of the time. Instead of having absolutely no family time--we suddenly get to spend time with him (it already feels too little, and that makes me feel guilty because it is so so much more than we are accustomed to and I feel so much gratitude, but also, why are my kids' lives flashing before me eyes!??!?!) and we suddenly get to implement things that were really difficult for our family to be able to do before--like FHE, family scripture study, family council. We certainly strived for these things, but then when Sterling was unable to make it frequently...(ever)...it was really hard for me to muster the energy to keep everyone alive AND keep all those plates spinning. And now we have older kids with lots of activities so even though Sterling might make it--it's still really hard to plan those things in. But we are trying! 

Our Relief Society lesson on Sunday brought some old tribulations to mind. Like moving to Miami and living in a bilingual ward and having the entire culture be so different from everything I'd ever known and having three kids three and under and playing the organ and being in the primary presidency and not having a husband, or having a husband who had to catch up on homework all day after church, and, and, and....it was rough. I shared a story that I hate sharing because I still feel ashamed about it. After a few months into a calling of nursery leader (which I did while basically nursing Molly the entire time I walked around a sang to kids and fed them snacks because otherwise she was bawling) and coming home and crying every day over how exhausted I was and how I never felt the spirit--I didn't want to cry anymore. Sterling had a free Sunday where he was home and since he was never around--I wanted family time. I wanted to actually enjoy my family. I craved feeling happy together and having my spirits lifted. So we packed up (Sterling incredulous but supportive of my crazy the entire time) and drove down to my favorite beach in the Keys. Instead of church. And it was glorious. It was! The sun was beautiful. The water pristine. My kids were laughing and enjoying themselves. Sterling loved holding Molly and getting her to sleep. I got to sit on a towel and soak in that gorgeous sunshine and the laughter of my kids. A golden memory. And I knew as soon as we came home that I would never, ever do that again. Church is what I wanted for my family. Gospel lessons. Christ as the forefront person in my children's lives. 

 I have since recounted that story to a close friend in Delray Beach, and she cried. She said she thinks I had that experience just for her--to connect with someone who is struggling coming to church, because that is something I have never really felt before or after. That's true, I'm sure. But it was also for me to have a moment to reflect on Satan's way, and the Lord's way. The Lord did not promise that His way was easy---and Miami did not get any easier any faster--but He did promise that the polishing that was being performed, that "after much tribulation come the blessings." 

Last night my kids were jumping on the tramp in this BEAUTIFUL September evening, after a hilarious FHE where Grace was in charge of the lesson, so we followed the outline in the Friend magazine and talked about how our bodies as individuals in the church work together--just like our body parts work together so we can dance, and we had a family dance party to "We Are Family" and ended with brownies and vanilla ice cream. Sterling started mowing the lawn, I did dishes, the kids got ready for bed. They are not perfect (we had a whole emergency family meeting for how not-perfect our household was been lately haaahaaa) but the moment was. And today I reflected on the contrast. I think my joy is enhanced because we had been doing what we were asked to--we'd prayed together and studied scripture together, and then we'd had fun together. And it brought real joy. Trials can often bring us perspective when we ponder on them afterwards. 

New Utah Life

 We moved to Utah. Sterling finished residency. Ruthie started Middle School. And today-Grace started preschool three times a week for two hours (which I'm already realizing is too short to accomplish much). It feels very surreal today. Sitting at my kitchen table, house completely silent, staring out at our own backyard (well, we have a rental, but it's ours for now), having just stopped at a case lot sale. HAHA--case lot sale!??!! Those things don't even exist in Florida. We also did not have a house. Or a backyard. We didn't have a bus that picked up kids. We didn't have neighbors that left garden fresh vegetables in 5 gallon buckets on our doorstep (although-Audrey and I had a pretty sweet food sharing gig when we were both baking haha). We didn't water our lawn. It wasn't 47 degrees when we woke up in the morning!! Pretty much everything that could change in a life, has. It's pretty wild actually. But also, it feels really normal.

We love Vernal. We love how close we are to loads of hiking, fishing, lakes to play on, and camping. We love the community, everyone has been so nice and welcoming, we've been invited to dinner almost every Sunday since we moved in. We love the rec center and their classes and child care and swimming pool. All the things that we were looking forward to in our faraway future--are here! Time with Sterling. No commute. 

It isn't all unicorns and rainbows--Sterling works quite a bit more than we'd like right now. His team is all brand new which means there is a lot of little things they don't have running smoothly yet. He comes across glitches, like yesterday a patient that he saw said their insurance didn't work--but Sterling is supposed to be in network, so they had to figure all that out. It's a new EMR system so he's setting up all his note taking, etc. We're still waiting on our insurance to come through and that was supposed to be finished August 1. Ya know, the annoying little real life things--but it's coming along.

Last week Ruth started piano lesson and yesterday Molly and Will started lessons (Ruth has a different teacher, everyone here is booked, so I couldn't get all three with the same teacher unless we did different days and really late times, so Ruth's lesson is the same time as the other two and I just drive her right over after dropping them off.). Ruthie has YW and every week they do a morning session at the temple. We have a chore chart and Saturday work assignments on the fridge. The routine has begun.

Now that school has started with its hum drum pace of life-it's starting to sink in that we live here now. That we're not going back to Florida after this extended summer vacation. That Sterling doesn't have to work nights or weekends. Like I said, it's all very surreal. We worked towards this "ending" for almost 13 years.  We miss Florida like crazy, I miss my friends so much, and I am NOT sure how I feel about our freezing mornings already. But it's very, very good. 

Minister

 I feel like journaling about this. I don't know why I'm not a more private person and why I feel like posting it here, but whatever. This last weekend we had a miscarriage. Well, we made my body miscarry because the baby no longer had a heartbeat. To arrange babysitting, I let a couple of my closest friends know that very first day--throughout which I mostly cried (and through some incredible miracle of the heavens, Sterling was there for). Thank goodness for the ease of texting.

My friend, who has a heart of gold and is everyone's best cheerleader, and the world's best ministering sister (and who is not of my LDS faith and has no idea what that means to me)---immediately left her kids with a friend and came over to my house. Came upstairs, knocked on my bedroom door (where I had to quickly throw clothes on, because apparently I like to mourn naked), and crushed me in a hug. We both sobbed and she said "I know you probably don't want me here, but I just had to come and hug you. And tell you that I love you." She sat down on the bed and we hugged and sobbed some more, and then she said "Excuse my language, but fuuuuuuuuuuck." and we both sobbed harder.

Since then we have received, from her and other great friends in our beautiful village here, meals and treats and flowers and babysitting and all of the wonderful things that have buoyed us up. Honestly, I have never been so well taken care of and felt such an outpouring of love. We have had other really hard times when I cried and prayed to God that someone would notice us and help...and even though we made it through, it has never been like this. And I just can't be grateful enough. 

But that one swear word? Man, talk about bearing another's burden and mourning with those who mourn. Nothing else felt so sincere and so right. It encompassed all of my feelings and made me feel seen. She immediately left me to myself so she wouldn't be a bother, and later gave her secret knock at my door (she has a secret knock with Ruthie, because she doesn't mind Ruthie coming over to help her with the kids whenever, but other neighbors are not so welcome HAHA), and handed me a bag of ice cream and chocolate bars. Still feeling pregnant, the dairy has not been good to me, so I didn't really want to eat any of it. But she knew me, she knew thats exactly what I would theoretically want, and she brought over a whole pile. Which is incredibly thoughtful because five years ago she brought me wine. In all honesty, she probably wanted to bring me wine-I can hear her saying that if there was ever a time for a Mormon to drink alcohol, it would be now (she didn't, but I can hear it). But she brought me ice cream and chocolate because she knew me. So I could cry it all out all over again. 

Resolutions 2023

Seek and Enjoy!

I used to pick a word every year to focus on. That fell by the wayside over the last few years, and this year  as I was running I was thinking that it might be good to have a focus again. My biggest goal for the year for myself is to go to bed early. I have spent NINE YEARS (well, almost thirteen, really) with this hope that I can go to bed WITH my husband. Except I can't. He stays up late every single night either still at work, at home working on notes, or at home/work working on modules for his program. He literally never goes to bed with me. But I really don't like going to bed by myself. So I put it off. Some nights I'm better than others. I usually am in bed between 1030-11pm, but its often later. I know, and have known, for a long time, that it's just too late. I can't have the dreamy morning filled with scripture study and making breakfast and sending my kids off with a devotional thought if I go to bed that late. Not only that, by 2pm (when my kids get home from school) I'm tired and grumpy. I obviously need more sleep. But I don't do it. This year, I'm hoping I put myself to bed before/at 10pm MUCH more regularly. I've been doing pretty well. Funnily enough, the only nights I've been up later is because Sterling has happened to BE home and hanging out with me a couple of times haha. And early bedtime means a better morning. Hopefully more scripture study in my life. More scriptures thrown at my children. And a less ornery afternoon mom. 

Also this is my year to study the scriptures. I have spent the past (probably ten years...ugh I hate writing that) sliding through my scripture study. Sometimes doing better than others, but often considering a quick three to five minute glance over a part of Come, Follow Me sufficient. And maybe it was sufficient for a space of time in my life. But it has gone on much too long and I have the capacity to increase and I am not, and I am not challenging myself spiritually and I want to, I should be studying. My definition of studying is time at a table, being able to write out notes, and spend 10+ minutes. There's a whole slew of things I would love to see happen as a result of this study. But this is the goal. 

The overarching idea for the year is to Seek and Enjoy! I have lived for six years in the same house and neighborhood. I have never lived anywhere that long in my entire life. I feel grounded and happy and fulfilled here. I have a support system the likes of which I have never experienced in my life prior to living here. I love it. It is beautiful. Moving and leaving that is going to be so. dang. hard. I don't even like to think about it. But there is SO MUCH I am excited for. Mountains. Seasons. A house. A yard. My kids insist a dog. A husband who works regular hours and maybe will be home for dinner (say what?!?!?!?!?!). No traffic. Cheaper kids activities. More family activities. A bigger youth program for Ruthie and the following kids (maybe one that doesn't cancel every other week because there's only going to be one girl there?). So I want to "seek" in my scriptures and grow and learn and become a committed disciple this year, but I also want to "seek" out the good experiences. When we move, I want to remind myself that I have to be the one to get outside my comfort zone to make friends. Invite people over. Try new things and activities. I have to seek out friendships and seek out experiences that will help grow a community and support system in Vernal. 

I also want to ENJOY! I want to enjoy Florida for these last six months like my life depends upon it. (Financially, of course, this is incredibly tricky---luckily the beach is free!!!!) There is so much I do not like about Florida (thank you, grain mites, that love humidity and I found eating our popcorn kernels in a five gallon bucket on Sunday, I DO NOT LIKE YOU) but there is so much I can't even imagine not having. No beach? No sunshine? Shorts and sandals all day every day? I want to enjoy it so so much and just remind myself that we'll be packing and cleaning this house up soon enough, it should just be a stopping point to dump off wet towels and get dry ones!! And then I want it to continue to Vernal--ENJOY the new surroundings, enjoy the seasons and the new people we meet and the new experiences our kids will be having. I want my focus to be on enjoying it and hopefully that will make it less crazy and stressful haha. 

So. Seek and Enjoy. And early bedtime. Check back in another ten years, we'll see if I've figured it out by then? 

 

Merry Christmas 2022

 

Merry Christmas

and happy holidays! We’re just over here trying to soak up ALLLL the Florida we can. Sterling is finishing up his last year of residency. He works a ton. Never sleeps. Lives off caffeine and horrible hospital food (their kitchen had a fire and they just serve heated food ) and occasionally we get to see him. On a brighter note, I’m living my best life at the beach and in the sunshine with the kids . I work for a friend baking once a week and I teach Russ’s preschool on rotation. I’m still teaching the kids piano and between those things and keeping everyone alive and fed-it stays pretty busy! We spent this summer in Utah/Idaho and I was able to sub at my favorite office again-which I love even if it’s crazy! Ruth is in 5th grade and trying all the things-choir, drum, yearbook, and we still have piano and a theory class going. She is incredibly helpful and has started babysitting! Her favorite hobbies are reading and holding all the neighborhood babies. Will is in 4th grade and is all about drawing and legos. He likes to whittle branches and build paper airplanes and origami swords. He’s also a fantastic singer-although he does have to be bribed . Molly is in 2nd grade, she sings 24/7 and still wants to be an entomologist-she shows us all the bugs! She was baptized this year and she just keeps growing up on me. Russ does preschool with two other little boys and he has constant questions. What letter is this? What does this say? What is two plus two? He is super proud when he writes his name on every paper and will definitely be ready for kindergarten next year. He is a riot and is always proving his strength and muscle. Grace just turned four last week and loves to show off how she can do flips (somersaults) outside and inside of water. Haha. She scares all the parents on our ride to school by going so fast on her scooter and she freaked me out the other day by climbing waaay too high in a tree. Fearless. This year we had two camping adventures in Florida and lots of summer hiking fun. We have been lifted up by so many friends and family this year-thanks and love to you all. Stay warm and have a happy new year! #happyhaws