The Come Follow Me lesson for this week says to think about ways your trials can be a blessing. That there is a great purpose and blessing in tribulation. We, by keeping our covenants, are being polished. Medical school is a very interesting thing because after thirteen years of working towards a goal, suddenly, seemingly overnight, you are flipped. Instead of being the lowest of the low on the totem pole and having to work endless hours or face reprimands, instead of making nothing and barely scraping by and dreaming that someday it will change-suddenly it does. I mean, sort of. We still have LOADS of debt to pay back and I'm crossing my fingers we can afford a house someday, haha. But Sterling doesn't answer to anyone else--his time is his own and people turn to ask him questions, instead of demanding of his time and demanding he do menial tasks all of the time. Instead of having absolutely no family time--we suddenly get to spend time with him (it already feels too little, and that makes me feel guilty because it is so so much more than we are accustomed to and I feel so much gratitude, but also, why are my kids' lives flashing before me eyes!??!?!) and we suddenly get to implement things that were really difficult for our family to be able to do before--like FHE, family scripture study, family council. We certainly strived for these things, but then when Sterling was unable to make it frequently...(ever)...it was really hard for me to muster the energy to keep everyone alive AND keep all those plates spinning. And now we have older kids with lots of activities so even though Sterling might make it--it's still really hard to plan those things in. But we are trying!
Our Relief Society lesson on Sunday brought some old tribulations to mind. Like moving to Miami and living in a bilingual ward and having the entire culture be so different from everything I'd ever known and having three kids three and under and playing the organ and being in the primary presidency and not having a husband, or having a husband who had to catch up on homework all day after church, and, and, and....it was rough. I shared a story that I hate sharing because I still feel ashamed about it. After a few months into a calling of nursery leader (which I did while basically nursing Molly the entire time I walked around a sang to kids and fed them snacks because otherwise she was bawling) and coming home and crying every day over how exhausted I was and how I never felt the spirit--I didn't want to cry anymore. Sterling had a free Sunday where he was home and since he was never around--I wanted family time. I wanted to actually enjoy my family. I craved feeling happy together and having my spirits lifted. So we packed up (Sterling incredulous but supportive of my crazy the entire time) and drove down to my favorite beach in the Keys. Instead of church. And it was glorious. It was! The sun was beautiful. The water pristine. My kids were laughing and enjoying themselves. Sterling loved holding Molly and getting her to sleep. I got to sit on a towel and soak in that gorgeous sunshine and the laughter of my kids. A golden memory. And I knew as soon as we came home that I would never, ever do that again. Church is what I wanted for my family. Gospel lessons. Christ as the forefront person in my children's lives.
I have since recounted that story to a close friend in Delray Beach, and she cried. She said she thinks I had that experience just for her--to connect with someone who is struggling coming to church, because that is something I have never really felt before or after. That's true, I'm sure. But it was also for me to have a moment to reflect on Satan's way, and the Lord's way. The Lord did not promise that His way was easy---and Miami did not get any easier any faster--but He did promise that the polishing that was being performed, that "after much tribulation come the blessings."
Last night my kids were jumping on the tramp in this BEAUTIFUL September evening, after a hilarious FHE where Grace was in charge of the lesson, so we followed the outline in the Friend magazine and talked about how our bodies as individuals in the church work together--just like our body parts work together so we can dance, and we had a family dance party to "We Are Family" and ended with brownies and vanilla ice cream. Sterling started mowing the lawn, I did dishes, the kids got ready for bed. They are not perfect (we had a whole emergency family meeting for how not-perfect our household was been lately haaahaaa) but the moment was. And today I reflected on the contrast. I think my joy is enhanced because we had been doing what we were asked to--we'd prayed together and studied scripture together, and then we'd had fun together. And it brought real joy. Trials can often bring us perspective when we ponder on them afterwards.
