Betrayed By Mama

Little Ruthie felt more than a little bit betrayed tonight. Daddy has had a really hard time the last few times he babysat because she won't drink from a bottle. She will cry and fuss and scream for four hours until I can come home for my lunch break before she will take a bottle. Luckily, this morning it only took an hour before she decided to eat. She never used to do this, but she has been getting worse about it for the last few weeks. I decided that I would feed her one bottle each evening, to put her to sleep, for the next little while so that she gets more used to the bottle. And since I'm home, I can just pump and keep my milk going.

But tonight was torture. Torture to the extreme power. I might not be able to do this. She'll be eating solid foods sometime soon and won't need to drink her bottle, right? She screamed for forty-five minutes straight. But the worst part was the tears running down her little face, being blinked out of her beautiful little lashes. And the even worse part was her little body shaking to breathe because she was so sad. And the even WORSE part was the way her big eyes looked up at me and just couldn't figure out why HER MAMA wouldn't just feed her like a good, wonderful, normal mama would. Her mama was betraying her. Her mama was definitely not taking good care of her and not loving her. I wanted to cry right along with her. It was the most miserable feeling. Usually when she cries I don't feel this way, because I know I have done every possible thing to make her happy and well-cared for. But I just felt like I was neglecting my own poor, little baby. Worst mother ever award. Then I think about her poor babysitters for the next while, and I know I've got to get her more accustomed to this.



This is not a picture from tonight, although I did take one. That would require taking out the card that gets us wireless, uploading pictures---which usually don't upload on this old computer---and then resetting the internet to start again. I wasn't up to it.

 In the end, she didn't even take the bottle, she fell asleep in my arms looking like a perfect little angel, and I put her to bed. If she wakes up, should I try the bottle again? I'll probably call it a night and try again tomorrow night, lets hope the babysitter survives in the morning! And ALL of this AFTER I got her to laugh OUT LOUD 3 TIMES in a row! (all time record, since she laughed out loud for the first time on Saturday) and I spent twenty minutes looking in her mouth with a flash light and deciding that indeed, her bottom right tooth is coming in (#25 if its an adult tooth, but for the life of me I can't remember what the letter would be for a baby tooth). I have the sweetest baby!

Random Recent Pics

her feet don't touch the floor haha

Look at those long eyelashes! I am absolutely in love with them!

Monday's Joys 11-21-11

• the weight of my baby, its just perfect for squeezing and hugging and cuddling, can she stay this size forever?
• I finally bought our wedding book! The site I created it on was having a 25% off sale the last few days, so I put in a few more changes (I've been making small changes for pretty much the last year) and put it in my cart and bought it! I'm so excited!
• macademia/chocolate/COCONUT thingy's that my sister Megan brought me back from Hawaii. The coconut makes ALL the difference.
• Yesterday my gravy turned out just like my mother's for the very first time making it on my own. It's usually edible...but yesterday it tasted delish!
• Christmas presents. I have picked out what I WANT to get everyone on my shopping list, now I just have the exciting/fun part of picking it out, finding the best deals, creating them, and making everything just perfect---makes me feel the magic of Christmas!

Now I need to go get the dishes done, look back at my last post for fun pictures from Disney on Ice!

Disney on Ice

My older sister Megan and her husband went to Hawaii for two weeks. My mom and I split the days to babysit her kids...well, mostly my mom. I think I babysat five days and she was gone a lot longer. Anyway, point of story I got to surprise her kids and take them to Disney on Ice!!! I pulled them all out of school early and Danica was the only one who knew why! (and every single person who helped me said to the kids"Your sister is here" do I really look that young?) The whole way to SLC they were guessing, and then once in SLC Myles saw a sign about it, and guessed thats what we were going to.

This is Kiersten, Danica and Ruth. Kiersten was probably the most fun person to watch. Every time a princess came on the ice her jaw dropped and she would look over at me like "Are we really here?"



Lynnaea was also very excited about being there.

My handsome hubby and Devaney.

Myles and Flash...I mean Anders. We got them some cotton candy and it came with a mask, Anders chose the Flash mask and wore it all night long.

This is how big my baby's eyes got whenever fireworks went off or there were loud noises....so pretty much the entire time.

Kiersten was not into taking this picture, and Devaney was more than a little frustrated at being held still.

I wish I could've videotaped the duet iceskating/dance between Simba and Nala...it was INCREDIBLE. He did all sorts of flips with her, and she was upside down half the time, and it was amazing. I love iceskating.Definitely one of my favorites. That and the pirates from Peter Pan. And Aladdin...they flew on a magic carpet and everything, and the genie came out of the lamp with fireworks. It was amazing.

The end. It was a fabulous night. Then we took all the kids to Chuck-a-Rama. They were SO excited! Apparently their dad doesn't like Chuckarama, so they never get to go. I can see why my parents never went out to dinner, its too much work(and money).I'd rather make dinner at home and do the dishes and send them all to bed. But it was really fun to have them so excited all night long.

Battle between Ruth and Daddy

cute video here of my sweet baby sqwaking at her dad in the morning. Sorry the video itself is so terrible. I didn't have glasses on, and the lighting was not great--but hey, I had just woken up, and it is so so so cute to hear her! Enjoy!

Exhilarating Joys

Several of the conference talks, and the fact that it is almost Thanksgiving and the Christmas season, have made me want to post about all the things I am grateful for. In the Relief Society Meeting Pres. Uchtdorf said "forget not to be happy now". I am an incredibly blessed and happy person...most of the time. "There is nothing wrong with righteous yearnings...the problem comes when we put our happiness on hold as we wait for some future event." I don't think I'm necessarily waiting for some future event (the end of Sterling's undergraduate, the end of medical school, the end of living in an apartment, the end of having to work....etc, etc.) because I am very happy right now, but I think it will be good to "forget not the "why" of the gospel."
       "Sometimes, in the routine of our lives, we unintentionally overlook a vital aspect of the gospel of Jesus Christ, much as one might overlook a beautiful, delicate forget-me-not...the eternal fire and majesty of the gospel springs from the "why." When we understand why our Heavenly Father has given us this pattern for living, when we remember why we committed to making it a foundational part of our lives, the gospel ceases to become a burden and, instead, becomes a joy and a delight. It becomes precious and sweet...Let us not walk unaware of the beauty of the glorious earthly and spiritual landscapes that surround us...seek out the majesty, the beauty, and the EXHILARATING JOY of the "why" of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

The things I am thankful for, I am thankful for because of the gospel, and the joy that it brings into every aspect of my life. My family, my eternal relationship with my husband, my passion for being a mother, my joy in every day living, are all due to my life being completely founded upon my faith and my religion-and the choices that they lead me to make.

*Monday I got to get together with almost all of my sisters while we got invitations ready to send out for my older sister's wedding. It was a very fun night, and I am very blessed to have such wonderful sisters, and such a wonderful mother.
*At work I got put in charge of making a menu-plan for healthy snacks in our office. I love my job as a dental hygienist, and was somewhat annoyed to have a different job assignment...turns out I love having an unlimited budget to spend!
*Thursday morning Ruth slept long enough that I could take a long bath, shave my legs, paint my toenails, and feel a little bit prettier than I have felt lately.
*Friday was AMAZING because Sterling and I got to take my sister's six, plus our one baby, to Disney on Ice!!! I got them all out of school early, and no one even knew why! It was so much fun for it to be a secret, and especially fun to watch my seven-year-old niece's jaw drop every time a princess came on the ice. I have never seen it before, but it was AMAZING! (Post with pictures to follow)
*Sterling got really sick on Sunday, its the only time he's ever thrown up since we got married, getting close to two years ago now. When I got home from church he had a 102 degree temp and was one sick boy. I am so thankful for our health and that sickness is a rarity in our home.
*This morning I woke up to a battle between Sterling's whistles, and my daughter's shrieks. It was absolutely hilarious, so I recorded it (hopefully a post will follow). My daughter seems to have found out how to manipulate her own vocal cords over the weekend, and has since been providing us with endless amusement while she continues to figure out how high of pitches she can reach!!!
*Sterling did the dishes while whistling with our daughter. Best morning ever! Plus it meant he was feeling SO MUCH better! Yay for a healthy and happy husband!
*Today we put up our Christmas tree and decorations! It brightens up our little apartment so much, and our singing-Christmas-tree-lights, along with Charlie Brown Christmas,are two traditions that my husband has added to my own traditions, and they are definitely worthwhile additions!

This beautiful week of November has been so fabulous!

People I Meet

To preface this story, I would like to say that I went to three different elementary schools, two junior highs, and two high schools (and only went two years to high school) and so....did not always get to know people as well as someone who lived the same place forever might have.


Guy at Deseret Book today: Hey, do I know you? (In the voice that implies he does know you, but wants to make sure you know him)
Me: Yeah, you look familiar to me too.
Guy: I think we went to the same high school and junior high?
Me: Really? Which one was that?
Guy: I went to South Ogden and then Bonneville.
Me: Yeah so did I, only then I moved to Mountain Crest.
Guy: Were you in choir?
Me: Uh yeah, I was. (panick in head...still have absolutely NO recollection of guy)
Guy: Yeah, I think we were in Spartones together. Then I was in Laker choir.
Me: (Thinking, thinking..I never was in Laker choir). Well, then maybe you know my husband? He was in Tapestry and Laker choir! Sterling Haws?
Guy: Oh yeah! I know him! He probably knows my sister,(says sisters name) she knows everyone.
Me: (Still panicking...how do I get out of this conversation????) So...how is life going for you now?
....and eventually the conversation dies out.

The problem with this scenario??? It happens all the time. ALL the time. Does anyone out there realize I have lived in college apartments in the same town for LONGER than I lived anywhere else in my life (just about)???!!?!?! Most people live in one place their whole life, and move around like crazy during their college years. I am the opposite. My parents moved all over the place pretty much every two years. Problem with this? President Monson always comes to mind. He remembers everyone. Made friends with everyone. Remembers that he made friends with them. Me???? I forget practically everyone except the ten or so friends that I actually saw every Friday night as well as every day at school. The rest of the school? Nothing. It makes me feel like a really terrible person sometimes.

Take a few weeks ago for instance, perfectly nice guy seats Sterling and I at a table in a restaurant. He chatters away about how he remembers us from high school and it looks like we really have it together and have a beautiful little family (or something to that effect) he walks away and....neither of us have a clue who he is. Nothing.

There are SOME people I remember...I see them every now and again on campus, at Macey's, and recently just ran into one of my VP's from institute council at Smith's (the whole conversations went something like "How's life?" "Uh...you have a BABY!" "Yeah, and you are an intern that is so exciting! How long of school do you have left?" "Uh...you have a BABY!" "You were just taking the PCAT when I saw you last" "Yeah, and you have a BABY!" Yes, yes I do in fact.). I remember these people. But the MAJORITY of the time someone sees me, acts as if they've known me forever and starts a conversation, and I spend the entire time trying to figure out if they went to Mountain Crest or Bonneville or if they're from North Dakota, from an old ward or from an old job, or maybe even a relative from Canada (I'm a little iffy on my relatives, but give me a break cause I have sixty cousins on just one side). But I'm working on it. Promise. I probably will never be as amazing as President Monson. But I'll keep working at it.

Time

On Saturday I threw a baby shower with the help of my good friend Holly, for our other really good friend Meagan---all from high school. I had a fabulous time seeing everyone, it was like a little reunion of high school! While there, I found out another one of us was pregnant!! I am so excited for her! While chatting, she asked me what the hardest transition was when I had a baby (or something along those lines) and I've been thinking about it ever since.

Everyone told me that having a baby would be NOTHING like babysitting my nieces and nephews. I completely disagree. It's pretty similar. The first two weeks I kept feeling like some parent should be coming to pick up my baby any time....until I realized that I WAS the parent! Oh yeah. But I am somewhat unique because I have thirty four nieces and nephews, and my baby made number 35 for grandkids on my side of the family. My oldest niece was born when I was eight. I have babysat all of them here and there, but pretty much nannied(sp?) my oldest sister's kids since I can remember. They did live in Germany and Memphis for a while, but they moved back in time for me to babysit through high school. I remember when I was in fourth grade and the highlight of my day was walking home, and my mom (who babysat some afternoons) would have Danica at the window of our house so I could wave and wave at her and she'd wave back as I walked the last little bit to our house. I understood before having my own baby that getting up in the night for the rest of my life was a lot different than getting up in the night for one night of babysitting and then going home. But motherhood is just like that...continual. But not really different.

The main difference from babysitting is that she'sMINE. She's my little one forever. I get to take her home with me. I get to take all the pictures. I get to be the one who knows how to make her smile, how to calm her down, what she likes and doesn't like. And that's the wonderful part.

So the hardest transition? I came upon the thought of time. This was probably a harder transition for me when I graduated from college. I've heard similar experiences from girls who got married and moved to DC for an internship and sat at home while their husbands were busy all day--and they lived for the weekends when they could go exploring the city with their husbands.(Have you ever taken the five love languages test? Mine is time.-along with words of affirmation-When your husband is studying all the time and working part-time, it doesn't leave a lot of time for you. Luckily, we started what we call "15-minute Lindsay time" and whenever I feel especially forgotten I can pull that card, and he stops everything, and stops focusing on school, and puts all his attention to me. And thats all I really need.)I was used to a VERY busy schedule, and all the sudden I was graduated, looking for a job, and had a very busy husband. I was lonely, but more than that, I felt like I wasn't accomplishing anything, and it made me very unhappy with life. I got better at understanding myself and filling my time with things that didn't require a letter grade of approval at the end. And then I got a lot of sub jobs until I was almost working full time. Then I got pregnant, and continued working four days a week and felt like I was busy and fulfilled. Then I had a baby.

On a hike a little while ago with my sister she said "When hiking with children you have to keep in mind that the end of the hike is not the goal, the goal is for the kids to enjoy themselves, and if you make it to the end, its just a bonus." That is how I have discovered is the best way to think of every single day with a baby. You have your list of things to do, but if you don't get it done because you spend two hours staring at your baby and smiling at her to get her to smile, and cuddling with her tiny little body beside you...it doesn't really matter. Because you've experienced the most important things for that day. And I don't have the problem that I had before of not feeling like I accomplished anything---because taking care of a baby IS accomplishing something, even if its not what you had on your to-do list. So it might take three trips to the store to get everything you need because she's fussy and you decide to just go home for the moment, or it might take a few nights to get all the dishes done, or you might not make a dinner every night for your husband...but its really ok. Especially on the two days that I work, I usually come home and hold her all evening.And that took a little bit of transitioning to feel ok with. Definitely there are things that have to get done, and its probably a good thing not to spend every waking minute with your baby, but its just a shift of how you think of time from before having a baby. Motherhood is just like the rest of life...wonderful and sometimes difficult but always incredibly worth it.