Love

I am in love with our little baby Ruthie. In love. At first I was worried there was something wrong with me. When they handed her to me at the hospital my first thought was "I am much too exhausted to hold a baby. Why are they handing her to me? I can barely lift my arms up to keep her on my tummy, and I don't know what to do with her." Not really the greatest first thoughts of a mother. Thats not to say I wasn't excited, I was excited. And I thought it was amazing that she was mine. But I didn't think she was beautiful at first sight. I looked up into Sterling's eyes that held so much amazement and love and emotion in those first few moments and I thought "What's wrong with me?" And then I puked about seven times. Lovely.

In the hospital, when I started feeling better and had slept a little, I grew to feel amazed at what had happened. When we left the hospital I was starting to think our baby might just be the most beautiful thing that ever came down to earth.

Now I can't look at her without getting emotional about how big she is already, how chubby she's getting, how fast she's growing---and its too much for me. I keep thinking that at this rate she'll be going to Kindergarten (and college!) before I know it! Not only is she incredibly beautiful, but she opens her eyes, and her eyes are the most gorgeous thing---so awake and trusting, her lashes are absolutely perfect, her little lips are just the right shape and shade, her cheeks are incredibly soft and absolutely delicious, and when she smiles and her eyes turn up, I think I must just be the luckiest mom in the entire world to get such a beautiful daughter to be mine. She is just so perfect. When I wake up at night to feed her it hits me that I am in control of her little life right now. I am responsible for making sure she is fed and clean and happy. That thought brings a lot of emotions, and strongest of all is the thought that for this little baby, I would be willing to give up any other thing in my life. When she cries with real tears...my heart just melts and I can't wait to pick her up and make her happy again and wipe away those tears. And it is the most tender and amazing thing to watch the man that I love more than anything in the world, hold that little one that has suddenly taken over my whole heart, and see that she's taken up his whole heart too. They make a perfect picture. And the realization sweeps over me that if Satan tears up families, he really is tearing up the most precious and important thing that God has given to us. I can't believe the world hasn't caught on to that.

So while it might not be the most romantic thing to say that I didn't feel instantly won over by this little being that I birthed at the hospital, I can say now that it is incredible how she has wormed her way into my heart and grasped it with those tiny little fingers of hers and held on so tight I feel like I can hardly breathe sometimes. I feel so lucky, and so privileged to be a mother...HER mother. And even though lately I cry at every-day sentences because I'm so overtired from feeding her all night, and even though I know she will have hard stages, and I might just want to get rid of her when she's a teenager---I am so very thankful she is mine. I am so glad that right now I get to rock her, and sing to her, and kiss her perfect cheeks, and gaze at her beautiful face, and catch as many moments as I possibly can, because already the thought of her growing up makes me heart hurt a little.

And just for the record, while this may sound picturesque and sweet, being a new mom makes me pretty grouchy and snappy. Kudos to Sterling for putting up with me and loving me and making me so many dinners and doing so many dishes. Does school really have to start tomorrow? People have babies during school all the time, and even when both parents are in school....so it'll be all right, right?????